Fists and Fear Don’t Solve Problems

Susan slumped over the tub as she sobbed and mourned. She clutched the bottle of pills more tightly wondering how she could go through with it. Susan didn’t want to die, but Rick had said, “Our family would be better off if you were just dead. Your damn attitude keeps us from enjoying any happiness.”

Susan yielded to Rick by taking on responsibility for all the family problems. She believed the lie that all problems were her fault. Maybe the family was better off with her dead. She decided she would not torment her children as her mom did. She hoped these pills would stop the cycle, but the act of taking her own life felt immoral.

Susan is a helpless victim, and Rick manipulates and deceived her. Each is aware of serious problems in their marriage, but neither may realize his or her role. There also could be health issues. Mental health is equally important to physical health. If Susan’s foot feels painful enough to want to cut it off, she would go to a doctor. Does Susan, in the bathroom considering suicide, consider going to a doctor, a licensed psychologist, or a counselor? Does Rick, who told his wife he wishes she were dead, think about getting mental health? Couples or individuals who have serious thoughts of harming themselves, or one they love, should seek mental health services. There are places to go, even if one does not have insurance.

I lived this life! I was raised by a mom and dad who loved me dearly, and they loved each other for fifty years. They had problems, though. Those problems created problems for my brothers and me. I did seek help beginning at age 18, and I have now learned that the reason I went to licensed counselors on and off throughout my life. I was not taught appropriate skills for mental and emotional problem-solving. The fact that I have a heavy background receiving counseling is something I am proud to acknowledge. I learned skills from the experience.

I married young and fifteen years later we divorced. My first husband, also a victim of childhood family conflict solved his anger problems fists, and unfortunately, I found myself thinking of suicide on several occasions because I was afraid. Fists and fear do solve problems. Facing the problem and finding an appropriate solution do help.

Step 1: Call someone and tell them what is going on. Just make sure you get help from one licensed to assess mental health.

Step 2: Stick with some plan to get help. Do not give up, or fall back into the same cycle.

Step 3: Adjust the plan as needed to get the outcome you need to learn better strategies for your life.

Step 4: Continue to work on YOU. Nothing will change in your future if you continue a cycle of behavior from your past. I had not been taught correct skills.

I told a friend, and she made me promise to call the police if he hurt me again. I did call 911 because nothing else I had tried had worked. Unfortunately, it did not help my husband, nor did he seek help. I put my self on the road to recovery that night.

I didn’t have a plan, but a plan was made for me. The police told me to go to a shelter that night with my children. The shelter helped me figure out a plan that would give my husband a chance to get help, too.

I loved that man, so I bailed him out hoping for remorse. He only wanted revenge. I altered my plan; a Protective Order was needed, so I filed for divorce. Judges restricted P.O.s. to those who file for divorce.

The FSS counselor was a good start. I needed more help because I realized I had modeled bad living skills for my kids. We found an independent counselor and stuck with her for years. When I’d recognize something wasn’t good, I’d go back in and talk to her for a few sessions. I read books she recommended and tried strategies for change. Things slowly got better.


Don’t wait! If you have insurance, get busy. If you do not have insurance, call ocal organizations. I went to Al Anon for a long time because they helped me understand how serious problems develop from incorrect thinking. Counseling is learning a new way to think about events and a new way to act in our daily lives. I have managed to change my thinking into a positive self-nurturing quality. Life is wonderful, but I ( did you read who?) I had to change. If you believe that your life will become better if someone else will change, YOU ARE WRONG. You must change.

I did change in my first marriage and I believed that my changes would make a difference to the marriage, but a marriage is an entity comprised of two. To salvation a broken relationship, both must change, AND they must change in the same direction if they are to stay married.

I hope that my article helps at least one person to make an effort to get help. Drop a comment if you feel strongly about the article; even if you disagree. Thanks readers!

Published by Eclectra

"Live never to be ashamed if anything you do or say is published around the world - even if what is published is not true." Richard Bach, Illusions, p. 60

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