Finding Me-gitimacy: Episode 1

Me-gitimacy pronunciation & definition:

[mee-jit-uh-muh-see]

– noun

the state or quality of me deriving by reasoning, or concluding based on evidence that I am of genuine or authentic character.

The Derivative of the Conversation

“Thank you, sweetheart, for staying with me today during my heart catheter.” I expressed in gratitude to my husband.

Full of compassion and incredulity he replied, “You still do not think someone would do that for you? After all your cancer treatments and everything?”

Nail hit on the head! My eyes watering, I tried to explain that I was just thanking him, but he knew that I didn’t feel worthy of such an act of love. For the next hour we talked about my life, and the tears flowed because he knows everything about me. Lying down with my head in his lap, I listened because…Yes, I still hide my tears even from him!

He has known all along that I have been damaged, but to what extent still surprises him. He exposed my secrets during this talk, but with love and compassion. Afterward, he listened while I expressed my own feelings and thoughts about my framework. I call it a framework because to me it is like software that was pre-installed within my operating system. I want to move beyond it, but I cannot ever seem to delete the malware. For months. I have been seeking to discover what I feel and why. I have known that I was slated for this massive upgrade.

The Evidence That I Ignore

What do people see? Many see an elementary school teacher. They see successful students who show gratitude for helping them learn to read, create music, or succeed in math. My family sees me as Mom, Grammy, Aunt, or Wife. My friends see a kind, wise lady who cracks jokes at every instance. They enjoy that I keep confidences, and support them in times of need. Strangers may see a songwriter, a poet, a blogger, a singer, a homemaker, a cook, or housekeeper. I am told more often than not how wonderful and creative I am, but I lie to myself everyday. Instead of enjoying the compliments and believing in myself, I walk away reminding myself how undeserving I am of these beautiful words.

What do I really see? Well, I have come a long way from where I began, but frequently. I see a program full of source code that reads like pre-installed crapware. I compare my cognition to computer programming because essentially that is what my problem is. All of the human race likes praise and adulation, but some of us delete the positive upgrades and rerun the old soft  ware that gives us those messages of negativity.

The Revelation to be Expounded Upon

My question to my husband was…

How do I delete the old programming?

As I stated before, I have changed so much about my thinking over years of work. It won’t come quickly, so if you are looking for a new you tomorrow, my words will disappoint you. Usually people don’t want to read more than I’ve already written today, so painfully I save the rest for another day.

Stayed tuned for Episode 2.