July 30, 2015
I told Dr. Hanna I had been reading Google Scholar about neck lumps. From what I read, I have a 77% chance of not having a problem. That is good news. That’s what I’m talking about! :^)
July 31, 2015
Sonogram this morning. I’ll get the results on Monday. I’m on Google again. Found this:
“Supraclavicular lymphadenopathy has the highest risk of malignancy, estimated as 90 percent in patients older than 40 years and 25 percent in those younger than age 40.4” http://www.aafp.org/afp/1998/1015/p1313.htmlCopyright © 1998 by the American Academy of Family Physicians.
I’m starting to feel a sense of foreboding. I may have cancer. The information I’m reading about the spot where my lump is located suggests malignancy. I keep thinking back to last August when I negotiated with God.
Madyson, my granddaughter, was deathly sick. Clearly, I said to God, “God, she is just a baby. I want her to live and experience life. Take me for her. Let her live. If you just need a life, take me. I have already lived. I am willing to go right now, today! I’ve lived and loved. She is just a tiny baby. Let her live! I’m not ready to go, nor do I want to, but I am willing to give my life for hers.”
Some people may disagree with bartering with God, but I do not deny it, nor will I abjure my words. Life or death is not in my hands because it never was. My heart was broken last year when our family feared losing Madyson. I do not believe that God trades one soul for another, but I want every reader to know that I positively 100% meant that if God would allow me, I would die in her place. Now, the true test of my word has come. “God, if it is my time to die, I give my life to you. I want to live, but I will give my life if you will it.”
I must write down my thoughts as I go through these emotions. If it is cancer, I want to remember these feelings, and I want to share them with my family in the future.
I love Ken so deeply. I hope he really understands how my joyful life is because of him. He is my light, my lifeline, and my one true love. He understands me. His compassion for others is beautiful. When he looks at me with that quirky little smile, I hear the words, “I love you.” For the first time in my life, I feel wonderful, and I want to hang on to it for as long as I have. No one knows if they have months, years, or decades. I choose this day to live with grace, and to die with honor.
August 3, 2015
12:45 p.m.–Just waiting for the doctor to call me back with the results. I hope to get an idea about what happens next. Not really on pins and needles; in fact, I’m confident that it will work out. I went to school [work] and got my room ready. I am a music teacher in an elementary school. There are two of us in my elementary. I told Sheryl, the other music teacher, about my lump; though, I did not plan to tell anyone. She was sweet and supportive, as usual.
The doctor never called. I called them, but they did not have the results yet. Another day of anxiety, and disappointment. Waiting sucks.
7:00 p.m. –I told my son, Marcus, tonight. Now he is scared and stressed out about me and his future. However, he left with hugs. I love him so much. It was a selfish thing to do, but I want to talk about this. Still, I do not wish to share with too many people because there is a possibility that it is nothing.