Alonely

Most of her waking existence, the word “alonely” has been her reality.  Yes you read that correctly, it’s not a typo.  A-L-O-N-E-L-Y.  It is a state of being she has inadvertently chosen, yet not completely felt comfortable wearing. Often encircled by wonderful friends, yet she is somehow absolutely by her…SELF.

Alonely sings to her in throughout sleep and wakefulness.  It hums the monotone song that she is missing something.  Strange because usually she is filled with laughter, and she incites fun in all those around her.  In fact, some would say she is the “life of the party” to be cliché.  But inwardly she feels the tug of longing and waiting for…WHAT?

She sees herself as a fun loving social butterfly, and friends and family would certainly agree.  She is rarely alone as friends and strangers everywhere are blessed by laughter created by her.  Strangers are magnetized by her presence.  However, at home…later…in a dark room she feels ALONELY.

Promises from the past held all the beauty of love and companionship.  However, the hum from Alonely grew loud as she experienced physical abuse, divorce,  spiritual abuse, cancer, death of family, and loss of friendships due to religious differences.  She doesn’t really know the moment in time when a complete lack of trust made Alonely her new best friend.

She was abandoned by those who judgefully waited for her to discover the hole inside her created by misplaced trust. Each time she lost someone or something the wound grew deeper as the realization that trusting the wrong people to love her thrust pain into her heart.  And then…Apathy began stabbing at what was left of gaping chasm in her chest.

She wonders, should she crawl toward those who have wronged her with the emptiness waiting to be filled with what they call love, friendship?  The pain all the while sucks up the emptiness of what used to be a perfectly good person…but now labeled

DAMAGED GOODS                                                                                                                         Return to provider

HELL NO!  Taking much time and care to recreate her image while embracing Alonely, she rips off all the labels, and flees the sickness of those relationships!  She becomes enlightened by Alonely and learns to enjoy herself whether in public swarmed within a crowd, or at home in her warmth and silence.  She begins to love her…SELF!